1 April 2012 Can I play, too?
I think not having a team that I feel I can actually play on
is starting to really get to me and it’s probably starting to show… I remember
while I was living in India, one of the top things I really missed was
community sports that I could be involved in. Yeah, we played some teachers
versus students games and such, but that is nothing like actually being on a
team, practicing on a team, partying with your team, etc. It’s something I know
I really want/need in my life, but my life choices on where I go and what I’m
doing never seem to lead me to those opportunities. Tal vez after Peace Corps
when I go to Bloomington, IN and also become a trapeze artist?
Perhaps its an American way of thinking, but it’s something
hard to get by in my head. A coach is a coach and not a player. When playing,
players get priority and such. I play when the numbers are not even, etc. I
would love to play more and I would love to play in our games that we have, but then who will play the role as a
coach and who the ref? But maybe I’ll just do it. It is more the Mozambican
way. But then again there are so many things within sports and play in
Mozambique that I, personally, find wrong and hard to deal with, as I’ve
already written about. So, do I succumb to playing or it is something that
leads to the attitude I’ve grown to really dislike here in sports and play?
Today we had a pickup game with some military guys who came
to watch the football game (pickup game of basketball). I didn’t put myself in
the ref position because it was just a pickup game and I wanted to play. But we
had 6 people which meant one of us was sitting out… me, as always because
students are first. I didn’t beg at first to get in the game, but I did let
them know I wanted to play… After a bit I was subbed in but only after telling a
couple other students I was subbing in before them because they weren’t even my
players. Then when I was in, they wanted to sub me out without much time in and
other hadn’t been subbed out yet, so I refused. I kind of feel bad because I
subbed out Adelino and then wouldn’t leave the game to sub him back in.
Just as a reminder, this is now working on week number 5 in
Mabote without leaving. It’s time for a good break for me… Not that that is a
good excuse to be mean or not put the students first, etc. . .
It’s definitely
something that pulls me toward the not extending here… being on a team is my
release, playing rugby is my release. I guess it’s just talking about what I
want and feel I need in my life, a bit selfish in the end, but I
never said I wasn’t selfish.
2 April 2012 Ja Passou
This is something that amazes me here in Mozambique. “Ja
passou” means “it’s already passed.” Perhaps I’m generalizing Americans too
much because I’m sure not all of us are the same about this, but I think many
of us are. What am I talking about? I’m talking about holding grudges, staying
angry at somebody, etc. For that most part, that doesn’t happen here. I used to
put it in the passive aggressive category where fights or arguments were just
never brought up again and the people involved lived on as if nothing ever
happened. But, no, I think now most of the time it falls in the “Ja passou”
category.
Examples: I can be kind of mean as a teacher in class. I
don’t have so much patience for the undisciplined students, especially not that
I actually can understand the language a bit more than before… okay, a lot
more. And that I understand the culture and know where I can and where I
shouldn’t step. I’ll kick kids out of class, I’ll subtract points from their
grade, I’ll tell them straight to their face they are “indisciplinados.” I will
“negar” (deny) letting them borrow things or when theey constantly ask me for
money or food, or I will give them a bad grade (because they deserved that
grade), they will be upset and angry at me at where it happened, but later that
day or night, especially since we all live here, it’s like nothing happened.
They’ll even joke about it sometimes.
The argument I had
with the administrator about climbing the tower and then he made the kids swim
in the muddy water and hit them. Ja passou (for him more).
One kid got pretty mad at me because I didn’t let him touch
my computer (I’m afraid of too many hands). He actually didn’t really talk to
me for a day. Ja passou.
And the biggest example as Mozambique as a whole is how the
Mozambicans don’t seem to hold any kind of grudge towards the Portuguese who
treated them so badly. So the history of Mozambique in a nutshell. Just like
England spread to many countries and seemed to try to take over the world (USA,
New Zealand, Australie, etc. etc.), Portugal took over Mozambique. Not saying
that the English treated the taken over country great, but hearing what the
Portuguese did to the Mozambicans is horrible. Basically, the Portuguese came
took complete control over all of Mozambique and in the Mozambicans own land,
they were treated like slaves. They were cheap, almost free labor, for the
Portuguese to make things to send back to Portugal to sell. (Not that we
haven’t and don’s still here about things like this going on unfortunately…)
The Portuguese would even send the Mozambicans to work in the mines in South
Africa only to bring what they earned back to the Portuguese to use. It’s hard
to make sense of all that the Portuguese did to the Mozambicans. But, ja
passou. The Portuguese have all fled, but it’s not like they are unwelcome in
Mozambique. Mozambique still seems to welcome anybody and everybody with open
arms.
Sometimes in the states I feel like we’ll even remember that
damn car that pulled out in front of us the other day.
I don’t think I’ll ever learn how to “Ja passou” completely,
but maybe I can learn it to a certain extent. It might be good to rid myself of
a little bit of stubbornness…
6 May 2012 Observations
I’m sure there are more observations and differences that I
will list here right now, but these are things I am noticing right now or over
the time I have been here.
1.) Sometimes
I sit on my heels. You know, where you kneel on your knees and then you sit
back on your heels? Here is the question I get sometimes when somebody is
observing me sitting in this position: “Where did you learn to sit like that?”
Then here’s a response by others: “She’s a PE teacher.” I guess I was assuming
everybody could sit like that.
2.) This
has happened more in Vilanculos more than anywhere else. Vilanculos is my
closest bank and internet, etc. One time I was waiting for a chapa (public
transport) to go t a fellow PCV’s house. A lady was standing there with me. And
as normal drunk guys do, they come up and want to talk to me. “Where are
you going?” etc. But before they started talking to me,
they asked the fellow lady next to me in Shitzwa: “Wasati?” Wasati = woman.
Then the woman replied: “Maveilei” as she grabbed her boobs. (“Yes, boobs.” It
happens every time I go to Vilanculos, while walking on the street I hear
“Wasati?” question. In the market a guy told me I was a woman in a man’s body.
Then they go on to hit on me asking if I have a boyfriend, etc. I guess the
fact that I look like a “man” to them doesn’t really stop them from hitting on
me once they know I’m a woman.
3.) One
of my students really wants me to come
to the school cafeteria and eat with him because, as he put it, “I’ve never
eaten with a mulungu before.” Something on his bucket list?
4.) Puhuruhuru.
One morning I was just sewing or writing or cleaning or trying to figure out
what to do in my free time, and I get a knock on the door. Three of my students
came to show me a baby eagle they caught. Apparently it hit a classroom window, so they captured it. They
were trying to convince me to take the eagle as a pet instead of my kitten. We
let it fly around in my house and they named it Puhuruhuru, a word from the New
Zealand Haka I taught a couple of the kids. I think they kept Puhuruhuru for
about a week. They tied a rope to its foot. It did not die. They let it go then
they captured it again a while later because I had lost the photos on my camera
somehow, so they brought Puhuruhuru back.
5.) In
Mozambique, it seems extra hard sometimes to get the whole truth out of
somebody. They’ll say one thing, but then do another. Out of respect they don’t
want to tell you no. So they say yes and then not go where they said they would
go with you, or do what they said they would o. I don’t know how many times
kids tell me they will come to play
rugby with me and then they don’t show up. I’m starting to kind of learn. But
it happens for class, too. I point out to students who I don’t see in my PE
class and they tell me they will come the next class. There’s a handful of students
I have yet to see this year, and we started classes in February. It’s May now.
6.) And
last, but not least, recent observation. I call this one “Chicken Chase” and
just thought about it yesterday. Have I told you how Makwakwa and Mabote really
has nothing to do? Okay, yes,, I kind of have sports… sort of. But what about just going out and doing something
silly, something besides playing basketball all the time. To have a variety.
Ultimately, I would love: a bar to go dancing at, community sports to play, and
other extracurricular activities to keep me entertained. Perhaps I’ve been in
the bush for too long, but I came up with a race, a running race type thing,
called the Chicken Chase. Basically you would designate a pretty big area and
fill it with chickens that actually run around. Then each participant’s goal is
to run around and catch as many chickens as they can until all the chickens
have been caught. Whoever caught the most, wins. I’m sure if I introduced this
to the kids here, they would just think I was even crazier than what I already
am. Maybe I can make it a PCV game? Well, 7 more months or so I’ll be out of
the bush here in Mabote and maybe I won’t be thinking about making races and
games like that to pass the time. And then, who knows, maybe I’ll continue to
be a bit on the crazy side…
15 May 2012 Stubborness – the good and the bad
I am definitely my father’s daughter, which also goes to say
I am definitely a Nurrenbern. There are a lot of things that come with where
you come from. I come from the Nurrenberns and from the Marshalls and I can
definitely see the mix in me. I would like to say that I took the best from
each which would therefore make me perfect. And although some of you may think
I’m perfect (haha), let’s face it, I’m not.
One thing the Nurrenbern’s are known for is their
stubbornness. As with many other things, the level of stubbornness on has needs
a balance in my opinion. Being stubborn can be a good thing in some cases. To
me, it means you stick with what you believe in. It means you can be assertive
and not let people just push you around. But too much stubbornness can be bad.
You still need to open up your mind to new ideas, different solutions, other
ways to do things, or even just to understand somebody else.
I know I’m stubborn and that’s a good first step, I feel, to
getting to the right balance. Hi, my name is Mandy Nurrenbern, and I’m
stubborn.
I’ve definitely grown over the past 28 and a half years. For
those who knew me since I was a kid, I hope you recognize this! But there is
still a lot of stubbornness I haven’t quite learned how to balance right in
certain situations. And I can see it point blank sometimes here in Mozambique.
With some of the frustrations I get and just in general life here in Mozambique
compared to what I, an American, am more accustomed to.
I grew up in the country in a great neighborhood where if we
needed to borrow a cup of sugar, we could. Here I know it’s the same and maybe
even to a larger extent, but I can’t help thinking I’m being taken advantage of
because of the assumptions made by my white skin. It’s definitely better now
that I’ve been here for a year and a half. Many more of the students understand
I’m not some bank that can just hand things out to them. With 180 students
asking me for my food, clothes, and to buy them things, I would be broke and
with no food if I didn’t learn to say no. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel bad when
I say no, especially when it comes to food.
Then I see how good they are at sharing. Somebody’s eating
an egg sandwich, another comes up and begs for some or a bite and they just
give it. If I would walk up to a house in the village when it was lunch or
supper or some meal, they would serve me a full plate, no matter how little
food they actually had. And yet I’ll make myself dinner or lunch and offer none
to the kids in my house. Granted my house is always full with my students. I
plan on eating times with their eating times so as to not feel guilty as I eat
in front of them. I never make very much food. And then when it happens that I
do make a lot, the students aren’t around to give. Go figure.
The thing is I do want to give them some of my dinner
sometimes, I do want to make more, but I can’t all the time because I don’t
have the means, and I don’t know how to do it without playing favorites and
without having students start to line up at my house expecting me to give them
my dinner or lunch or breakfast even.
And that is where I feel my bad stubbornness comes in. First
off, I get totally turned off when I am continually begged. The more a person
begs, the more I don’t want to give. It’s that thing in my head that says by
giving into begging you are reinforcing the behavior of begging which is not a
healthy behavior to live off of. They
need to find other solutions to be more sustainable for themselves. Right now, it feels like a nation dependent
on begging.
Also, this idea of favorites. It’s already pretty obvious my
favorites, but I still try to treat all equal when I can. But, I’m not going to
lie, I’m close with Roy and Ema, Adelino, Agnaldo, Adriano, Lourenco. And I
have given them more in general. But then I also have the stragglers who I
like..but wouldn’t consider as “close”. And then I don’t want their reason to
hang out at my house to be because I might give out food because I know there
are many students here who would do that.
Stubbornness.
Nurrenbern?
Mandy?
Will I ever learn? Or does my stubbornness block me from
learning? Can I learn to live more like the African way or is it something you
need to be born in to understand?
23 May 2012 Curiosity killed the cat, but what about the
mouse?
Nobody ever talks about the mice the cat gets with its
curiosity. Yeah, eventually curiosity may kill the cat, but how many mice (or
lizards, as what my cat ate) did the cat find and eat because of that
curiosity?
Curiosity can be a great thing. It drives us to want to
learn more and to ask the question why. We can become smarter because of
curiosity. But too much curiosity can also be a killer. Just like too much of
anything can be bad. Life has a balance. That balance may be different for each
one of us and that is what makes us unique, but sometimes it seems difficult
for some people to find their balance. Or maybe its when 2 people need to
rearrange the balance when together, kind of like compromising…
This is what having
lots of time on your hand does to you… you think very philosophically. I can
see why Walden went into the woods to write like he did. I am right with
Walden, right? It was he that wrote when living in the woods? You can make fun
of me later if I am wrong with the name, but you know who I am talking about…
When 2 people or more do not find that balance of curiosity
or whatever in life, that is where curiosity kills, and most people say
curiosity kills the cat. But I think it also kills the mouse.
Living here in Mabote at a boarding school where we all live
here together, where EVERYTHING is together, I feel like the mouse sometimes.
At times I love my students’ curiosity, but sometimes it gets to be too much.
Sometimes I don’t realize what little things they get so stunned by. For
example, I was able to get a nice can opener from somebody who left in
November. It’s the can opener that you clamp it on the can and then turn the
know and it makes a clean cut all the way around. Something that at least my
generation as far as I know grew up with. My students can’t get over it. They
look at the can afterwards and then even went to tell their friends…who then
came running to check it out.
But then sometimes
their curiosity gets me because 1) it makes me feel bad and 2) I just
want to live my life sometimes. This mostly happens when I am cooking. I cook
outside over firewood, using 3 big rocks to make a tripod to hold my pans over
the fire. Not that cooking inside would give me much privacy considering many
of the students tend to come over and
inside the house a lot. But outside, everybody, neighbors, those getting water,
etc. see me. And yes, I cook different than they do. I try to Americanize my
food as much as possible with what I can
get here in Mozambique. So it makes me feel bad when they drool over my food
and I don’t give them my food. You give an inch here and they definitely take
that mile, so to me it would be harder to give to some and not to all. And if I
gave them each a bite just to try my food, I would have nothing to eat myself.
And I don’t want students to hang out at my house so in hopes and in waiting
for me to give them food. So, in essence, their curiosity is killing me. (I do sneak some food to some kids here and
there, so I am not being a complete witch about it).
With that, sometimes I just want to live my life. I think
I’ve mentioned it before, but there is such a lack of privacy. Even today 2
girls came by and just wanted to see my house. I have an open house policy
basically, but if the curtains are closed, the house is closed. So they came in
and then they snooped around, looking at everything, even opened my fridge.
Fine. No big deal. Then she headed for my room, so I grabbed her hood, tugged
her back and said, “No, that’s my place.”
I guess overall on the second thing of curiosity that kills
me it depends on what mood I am in, what student it is, and how often its been
happening more recently. Sometimes it’s just CHEIGA (ENOUGH!)
But I need to remember it’s not every day they see an
American, or even a mulungu. Our cultures are different. They can’t believe I
only bathe once a day, and I don’t teach that day and don’t sweat too much,
they would never believe I don’t bathe at all that day! This is a great
experience for exchanging cultures. It just may seem a bit hard because I am
the only one they can watch here when I can observe, talk to, and learn from
all of them. My curiosity is spread amongst the Mozambicans as theirs is
focused on me.
Don’t worry. I won’t be the mouse that cat’s curiosity
kills.
24 May 2012 Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat…
Have I told you how to keep a new kitten to stay at your
home and not run away? If I haven’t, read on because I’ve never heard of this
method before. And I assume it worked because my cat stuck around.
So I got my kitten when it was pretty small, probably too
small still to leave it’s mom, but there was no mother cat around. I named him
Black Cat because he was a completely black cat, a bad omen says the kids who
told me not to keep the cat. They were a bit scared of him. And Black Cat is
the peanut butter brand here.
Anyways, I survive on powdered milk here in Mabote, so that
is what Black Cat got. He was too little to eat rice or anything else. What a
lady here told me was to wash my feet and save the water I washed my feet with.
Then to make the milk with the washed feet water. And by doing this, the cat
would not run away. I am in Africa, in Mozambique, and I should do things their
way… sometimes. ..so I did and my cat
always knew its home.
But now Black Cat is dead. That’s 2 animals in less than a
year that I have had and are now dead. Kurula, my dog, died of who knows what.
Maybe rabies. But Black Cat was healthy when he died. It happened while I was
gone traveling. When I came back, a student came in and told me the students
killed my cat. I know there were students who didn’t like my cat and I know
sometimes Black Cat liked to go to the dorms and sleep with the kids. But to
kill my cat? Really? I am still hearing “martaram.” (“The students killed him”)
But I think the conclusion is actually
Black Cat ate something that poisoned him or maybe a snake bit him. I’m
still doing some “investigating” because the whole situation was weird.
I had Kurula for 2 weeks. I had Black Cat for 4 months. I’m
improving my caring skills. All yet another reason to not have kids of my own… J
30 May 2012 Temper Returned?
If you knew me as a child, you probably know I had a pretty
good temper. Little things could make me so mad sometimes. Even when my mom and dad were trying to teach
me multiplication with zero, and that it’s always zero, they just wanted to
explain why when I had answered a question wrong, but I would cover my ears and
sing “La la la” because I hated that I was wrong and they were right. I guess
in a way a temper goes along with stubbornness…
I don’t think one can ever totally get rid of something like
a temper. But I would like to think as I have grown up, I have learned to
control my temper in a healthy way. I know I’m a pretty emotional person
overall, so I need to just know where to put my emotions and how to apply them.
Sports, in particular rugby, has been a great thing in my life for that.
Why am I talking about my old temper? Because I am slightly
afraid that sometimes I feel I don’t have the best control over it. I am trying
to pinpoint what it is. Is it the lack of sports for me to be a player? Is it
the lack of rugby? Is it the lack of a social life outside of school on a more
regular basis? Is it the lack of privacy my house has (even though I like it
that way versus NO kids here)? Or is it the differences in the culture I can’t get by? Especially in the attitude
during sports and games? Is it the discrimination I feel that the Mozambicans
think I have money and can give, give, give and still be able to live healthy
myself? And for that reason that for some reason I feel extremely guilty? Even
though next year at this time I have no
clue how I am going to be living? Or maybe it’s that I miss my sister and my
nieces and my friends to go out dancing and be crazy? Or maybe it’s the lack of
support I feel from the school when I am trying to do things for the students?
And with that, perhaps it’s all just a big frustration with myself because I
have yet to figure it out…?
I know it’s time to leave a place when I am frustrated a
lot, more negative than positive. It’s funny, one year wouldn’t be enough here
because it’s in the first year you actually learn how things work, etc. Two
years technically isn’t enough either. You figure things out the first year,
but only one more year isn’t enough to get anything really sustainable going. A
third year would help keep things going so that the one year doesn’t go to
waste, but to stay here 3 years could make one go crazy! I do like Mabote and I
do like my students, but there would be no way I could stay here in Makwakwa
for another year. One, there’s so much I am missing back in the states. And
two, there’s so much more I want to do in my life before I die. J 2
years in one spot is a pretty long time for me.
What do I look forward to:
-
Running a car cart through the grocery store
with my nieces
-
Dancing at the bars with my friends
-
Playing rugby on a regular basis
-
Playing tennis
-
My bicycle and pottery
-
Cheese and variety in food
-
A social life in sports and out dancing in
general
-
Rain
-
Privacy and not so much begging
-
Woods and greed and mountains
-
Winter, snow, snowboarding
-
Nash Bash
-
Better transportation
-
Cooking on a stove, not over fire
-
Being around my nieces as they grow up
It’s kind of a weird feeling to know I’ll be back in the
states in less than a year…LESS THAN A YEAR!
5 June 2012 Nao sabe ou Quem ensinou?
These 2 phrases I just don’t get. I’ve been here for a year
and a half now and I just don’t get it. I really don’t like the “Nao sabe”. It
means “He/She/You don’t know.” Okay, it doesn’t sound that bad, but it’s all in
the context of when and where they use it. It probably doesn’t mean quite as
bad as what I think in my head, but all the same, I don’t like it. “Nao sabe,”
is used when somebody is playing a sport or doing something and perhaps they
are still learning or perhaps they made a mistake (because, let’s face it, we
aren’t perfect at everything.) They don’t seem to give people chances to learn
something new, to get good at being the goalie or at playing basketball or
volleyball or whatever it is. If you aren’t naturally good at it, they kick you
off the team. It’s like these secondary school kids are back in elementary
school. And they are so damn blunt to each other about it.
I guess with being from a different culture, when the kids
tell me “Nao sabe” about something I am doing, I take offense to it and become
defensive. For example, they always seem to put me in as the goalie for soccer
and I basically suck at goalie. I haven’t actually played for so long and even
when I played in high school, I wasn’t ever confident about it or good. (I
think I should have played volleyball). But even though I’m not good at goalie,
I don’t like to hear people tell me as I’m trying that I don’t know. Last year
I went off on a student a bit as I was playing goalie, “If you don’t get a
chance to learn, how am I suppose to know?” And things such as that. I think I
take offense to it more that that student does. One of those cultural
differences I can’t quite get over. I may love Africa and Mozambique, but I
don’t think I could live here forever.
The other phrase is “Quem ensinou?” I don’t take offense to
this phrase, I just don’t understand this phrase when they use it. They seem to
use it on the simplest of tasks sometimes. The other day I was cooking beans
and rice and one of my students asked me “Quem ensinou?” I guess I should tell
you what it means… “Who taught you?” I guess I look at it is maybe they don’t
realize that some things you can teach yourself with knowledge you’ve learned
over the years from many places? And also the fact that there can be more than
one solution for one problem, that maybe clothes can be washed in a different
way, or onions can be cut in a different way, etc. Yes, I’m in Mozambique so I
should learn their ways, but they laugh at the idea of things being done
differently. Things are done one way in Mozambique, and that’s final!
5 June 2012 White people sleeping on the streets in
America?
Because I cook outside, it gets me in some weird
conversations. It’s amazing, in a way, how such little things that happen in America can be so
astonishing to the Mozambicans. I was talking with some of the other teachers
here and somehow it came up about how in the states we do have white people who
sleep on the streets. He laughed and was like “White people!? Sleeping on the
streets??? NO WAY!”
In a way I can see why they think that way. They make the
assumption that white skin means money and there is no way that a white person
can have no money. I have started to somewhat think like that also, but I don’t generalize all white
people, I generalize all white people from South Africa. I’ve been to Vilanculos
too many times and it’s exactly what I see. They have cars, they have the
houses on the beach, they eat the better food, etc. etc.
In the end it’s not all true the assumption I’m making. It
also has to do more what culture we are more accustomed to.
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